1
00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:07,639
Roseanne: let me see
if I can figure out
how to work this thing.
2
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:09,375
Here, let me show you.
3
00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:12,144
Dan, don't crowd me.
I'm trying to turn it on.
4
00:00:12,145 --> 00:00:14,580
- it is on.
- no, it's off.
5
00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:16,682
Look.
Now it's--
6
00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:20,452
Okay, hi.
It's me.
7
00:00:20,453 --> 00:00:23,756
I'm your mom,
and here's you.
8
00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:26,325
I'm making you
a time capsule
9
00:00:26,326 --> 00:00:28,627
To be opened
on your 16th birthday,
10
00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:31,997
So today you're 16,
and, um,
11
00:00:31,998 --> 00:00:35,000
You either have
really long hair
that's over your eyes
12
00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:37,102
Or you're totally bald
and tattooed--
13
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:41,173
Whatever thing
it is that'll make me
and your dad the maddest.
14
00:00:41,174 --> 00:00:44,109
Um, I cannot
even imagine
15
00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:46,412
The stuff that you'll see
in your lifetime,
16
00:00:46,413 --> 00:00:48,781
'cause I saw unbelievable
things in my lifetime.
17
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:51,116
I saw people
walking on the moon,
18
00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:53,585
I saw a woman
19
00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:56,321
Run for vice president,
20
00:00:56,322 --> 00:00:58,657
The fall of communism,
21
00:00:58,658 --> 00:01:00,926
And michael jackson marry
22
00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:03,629
Lisa marie presley--
23
00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:07,299
An event that will send
thousands of elvis impersonators
24
00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:09,968
Right back
into truck driving.
25
00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:13,005
Hey, I hope you're
all busy thinking
26
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,674
About what you're
gonna say when it's
your turn in here.
27
00:01:15,675 --> 00:01:18,410
( tv theme music
playing )
28
00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:21,880
You know, if you
think about it,
29
00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:25,451
This show was really
the "friends" of the '70s.
30
00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:29,054
( theme music playing )
31
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,095
( Roseanne laughs )
32
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:17,636
So, you know,
you have two sisters.
33
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,638
Darlene is an old soul.
34
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:23,542
I think this is about
her 150th lifetime.
35
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:26,578
She really has the power
to totally change the world
36
00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:30,983
If she can figure out how
to turn her negative crap
into positive crap.
37
00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:35,654
She is the first person
on either side of our family
38
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:38,123
Ever to go to college,
which is incredible.
39
00:02:38,124 --> 00:02:41,794
I always thought it would
be Becky, though, 'cause Becky
is the one who had the grades.
40
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:43,996
She had the straight "a"s
and everything,
41
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,365
But like women for millions
of years before her,
42
00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:48,500
She goes and falls
in love with a guy
43
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,869
That's really
not too bright.
44
00:02:50,870 --> 00:02:53,072
He's kind of like...
45
00:02:55,308 --> 00:02:57,309
You know.
46
00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:59,745
So she quit school,
47
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:04,149
Is working in a dead-end job
with no future-- for love--
48
00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:07,486
Like a million women
for a million years
before her.
49
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:10,723
Love shouldn't
end your life.
50
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:14,026
I don't want Becky
to end up so bitter that
she weighs 700 lbs,
51
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:18,230
Watches "court tv" all day
and votes republican.
52
00:03:18,231 --> 00:03:20,232
Is it my turn yet?
53
00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:22,401
No, and it's gonna
be awhile too,
54
00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,403
Because the camera
loves me.
55
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:26,505
When's dinner?
56
00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:30,142
- what am I, your mother?
- i'm going.
57
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:32,778
- Dan: well?
- she's not done yet.
58
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:36,482
- she said we should
start making dinner.
- okay then,
59
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:40,352
How many for pea soup,
how many for fish sticks?
60
00:03:40,353 --> 00:03:42,287
You know, Mark could
whip something up.
61
00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:44,456
He's been
cooking at home.
He's pretty good.
62
00:03:44,457 --> 00:03:47,893
Fish sticks.
63
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:51,063
- hey, I can cook.
- now, Mark, when you
say "cook,"
64
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:55,067
Do you mean cook
or put ragu on bread?
65
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,971
Ooh, that sounds good.
Can you do that?
66
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:02,408
Mark's cooking?
I mean, I may
just be a kid,
67
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,977
But isn't he
an idiot?
68
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,646
Why can't any of you
believe that Mark would
be a good cook?
69
00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:09,481
What's wrong
with Mark?
70
00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:13,519
Okay, not all at once.
Let's do this in
an orderly fashion.
71
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:17,156
Mark, go to the store,
buy what you need.
72
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:19,825
Tonight
the whole family's
having rigatoni.
73
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:23,495
Then later,
rigor mortis.
74
00:04:23,496 --> 00:04:27,199
- hey, i'm not making dessert.
- okay, girls, boxes--
75
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,102
Utility room.
Got some time here.
Let's go.
76
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,538
Dad, do we have to clean
that stuff up now?
77
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:35,040
Yeah, if we
just wait a while,
the boxes will decay,
78
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:37,109
Turn to dust
and blow away.
79
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:41,246
Nope. Your mom
wants this room
cleaned out.
80
00:04:41,247 --> 00:04:44,717
Now go through these boxes,
claim what's yours now
or it's trash.
81
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,952
I need to get something
sharp to open this,
82
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:49,054
Like the remote.
83
00:04:49,055 --> 00:04:51,457
( laughs )
oh, look, Darlene.
84
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,492
It's your little
pink oven.
85
00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:55,661
Oh, look, Becky.
86
00:04:55,662 --> 00:04:58,530
It's your barbie that
I baked inside of it.
87
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,743
Oh, Darlene, you are
not gonna believe
what I just found.
88
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,678
Your virginity?
89
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,984
Oh no, wait,
you left that behind
a dumpster at kmart.
90
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,989
"dear Roseanne,
91
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,692
I think you're
the cutest chick
in homeroom.
92
00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:28,694
I love you more
than chocolate--"
93
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:32,097
No, crossed out
chocolate,
put "coconut pie.
94
00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:34,166
Love, Dan.
95
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,934
P.S., i'm the one
who painted
96
00:05:35,935 --> 00:05:38,103
The 'f' in front
of the art building.
97
00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:40,739
Cool, huh?"
98
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:44,643
Oh my god.
Give me those.
99
00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:46,645
"dear Dan,
I watched you
100
00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:49,081
In football practice
this afternoon.
101
00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:52,284
You sweat more than
anyone else on the team.
102
00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:55,154
You're such a man.
I want to get naked,
103
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:57,156
Take your shirt,
and wring it out
104
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,158
All over my body."
105
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,527
( both shudder )
106
00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:05,764
Hey, girls,
what are you doing?
107
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:09,034
Just looking at stuff
nobody wants anymore.
108
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,637
Oh-- she doesn't
mean you, Fred.
109
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,977
- hello, Fred.
- hello, Jackie.
110
00:06:18,978 --> 00:06:22,081
- I brought andy so he
could be in the video.
- thank you, Fred.
111
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,816
You're welcome,
Jackie.
112
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,786
Good day to you, Fred.
113
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,523
Bye, jack.
Oh, look.
114
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:35,694
I may be a little late
picking him up 'cause i'm
getting fitted for ski boots.
115
00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:39,064
Excuse me, ski boots?
For skiing?
116
00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:41,934
- why, is that odd?
- no no.
117
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,336
Yeah. No.
118
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,872
Yeah.
No, not at all, no.
119
00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:49,375
Not odd.
No.
120
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:52,344
- mommy.
- mm-hmm.
Yes.
121
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,951
Dan, Fred is skiing.
Why the hell is Fred skiing?
122
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:01,387
- to get down
the hill faster.
- no no.
123
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:04,456
No, it doesn't make sense.
See, Fred is dull.
124
00:07:04,457 --> 00:07:07,192
When we were together,
I begged him to try skiing.
125
00:07:07,193 --> 00:07:09,361
You know what his exact
words to me were?
126
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:12,931
"can't talk now.
I'm pressing my slacks."
127
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,934
Hey, I do not want to get
in the middle of this.
128
00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:20,205
Oh, so there's
a "this" to get
in the middle of, huh?
129
00:07:20,206 --> 00:07:23,375
Oh, I get it.
130
00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:27,079
Oh, how pathetic!
131
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,948
"see, Jackie,
i'm doing stuff
that you like now.
132
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:32,251
I'm skiing,
i'm interesting."
133
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:34,853
And that's
supposed to make me
want to take him back.
134
00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:37,356
That's what it is,
isn't it, Dan?
Huh? Huh?
135
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:41,627
I'm gonna go
get a beer.
136
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,630
Enjoy your tour
of the galaxy.
137
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,399
Yeah well, you're not
saying that i'm wrong,
are you?
138
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,870
Okay, I will take
your silence as a no.
139
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:55,841
Thank you very much!
140
00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:58,444
Your dad works
really hard.
141
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:02,348
He always wanted to give
you guys everything,
142
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:06,251
But over the years,
I guess,
143
00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:10,422
His dreams kind of fell down
one right after the other.
144
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,825
But now he's
working for the city,
which is great,
145
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:16,462
Because you cannot be fired
for any reason whatsoever,
you know,
146
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:18,630
Just like being
in congress.
147
00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:21,200
And I do have
to say, though,
148
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:24,203
That no matter
how hard he works,
I have always worked harder.
149
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:26,872
I have worked
150
00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:30,175
Whether your dad was
laid up or laid off.
151
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:33,178
I'm the one that
brought home the bacon.
I cooked it up myself.
152
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,848
And, yeah sure,
I took a few bites
off the top,
153
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:39,118
But I figured I got
to reward myself some way.
154
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:42,354
And I have never complained
in my entire life.
155
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,790
I've never complained,
and I have never ever
156
00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:47,292
Asked anybody for help.
157
00:08:47,293 --> 00:08:49,495
Because, you know,
even if I did, it's not like
158
00:08:49,496 --> 00:08:51,864
Anybody'd lift a finger
to help me anyway.
159
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,166
Gee, there's a lot
of cool stuff in here.
160
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:57,503
Hey, Deej, you ever
seen a "tv guide"
from before cable?
161
00:08:57,504 --> 00:09:00,305
Wow!
Skinny!
162
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,677
- what are these?
- oh, man.
163
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,446
Becky and darlene's
baby books.
164
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:09,448
Look, there's darlene's
first tooth.
165
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,617
Careful, Deej.
That is razor sharp.
166
00:09:11,618 --> 00:09:14,186
Cool. Is my
baby book in here?
167
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:16,889
Oh, it's, uh, probably
out in the garage.
168
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:20,092
- great. I want to go find it.
- okay, son, you do that.
169
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,261
David, i'm gonna
need your help here.
170
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:25,497
- doing what?
- making out d.J.'s
baby book.
171
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:27,633
Mr. Conner!
172
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:31,503
Hey, it was 1981.
I was still hung up
on the bicentennial thing.
173
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:34,340
Okay.
Date of birth,
174
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,909
Middle name...
175
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,144
We'll get
back to that.
176
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:41,080
Lock of hair.
177
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:45,784
Too thick
and greasy.
178
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,154
Too coarse
and manly.
179
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:53,692
Too much
like carpet.
180
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,141
What?
181
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,276
Has anyone ever told you
you have nice hair?
182
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:13,679
Man, andy was
hungry.
183
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,681
Andy.
Duh.
184
00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:18,250
Get the scissors.
185
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,185
Hi, Jackie.
186
00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:27,559
So, Mark,
187
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,661
Mark...
188
00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:32,297
Bo-bark,
189
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,466
You and Fred
work together.
190
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,669
Has he told you about
his little plan yet--
191
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:39,471
His little
Jackie-likes-
to-ski-
192
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,740
So-i'm-gonna-ski-
to-get-her-back plan?
193
00:10:41,741 --> 00:10:43,409
Fred's going skiing?
194
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,811
I guess it got too cold
for him to go rock climbing.
195
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:49,048
Wait, he's
rock climbing too?
196
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:52,551
I don't like rock climbing.
Why is he rock climbing?
197
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:55,387
Why are you rock climbing?
I don't like rock climbing,
198
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,323
So your doing it
doesn't impress me.
So why do it?
199
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,626
I wasn't doing it
to impress you.
200
00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:03,262
Then why the sudden
interest in skiing,
201
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:06,131
Mister...
Mister...
202
00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:09,668
Famous-guy-
who's-a-skier-guy?
203
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,970
Jackie, is andy
ready or not?
204
00:11:11,971 --> 00:11:14,139
Jean-claude killy!
That's it--
205
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,675
Jean-claude killy!
206
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,945
Jackie, you know,
I can do things
for me too.
207
00:11:19,946 --> 00:11:22,848
I can go skiing.
I can go rock-climbing.
208
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,850
I can be in a play.
209
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:27,052
- you were in a play?
- yes.
210
00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:29,088
What the hell gives you
the right to be interesting?
211
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:32,224
You were the one
who was always telling me
I should be more active.
212
00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:35,427
Yeah, before,
when we were together.
It doesn't do me any good now.
213
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:38,197
Change back.
Change back!
214
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:42,334
Goodbye, Jackie.
You've lost your mind!
215
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,803
Oh, so now you're
a psychiatrist.
216
00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:46,805
Look, there goes Fred,
217
00:11:46,806 --> 00:11:49,341
The skiing psychiatrist!
218
00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:59,284
Me and your aunt Jackie
are really close.
219
00:11:59,285 --> 00:12:01,954
We're about as close
as two sisters can be.
220
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:04,089
But it is kind of funny
how life works out,
221
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:06,458
Because in high school
she was the one
222
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,460
That had all
these boyfriends
223
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:10,562
And I never had
any boyfriends.
224
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,365
But now i'm the one that's
been married for 23 years
225
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:17,436
And aunt Jackie just
barely got a divorce,
226
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:20,105
Which is sad.
227
00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:24,343
And i'm sure that her little
andy's gonna grow up to be
some big old flamer...
228
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:28,914
Uh, well, which isn't
a bad thing.
229
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:31,884
I mean, um,
gay people are cool.
230
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:35,688
They're just as good
and just as bad as
other people.
231
00:12:35,689 --> 00:12:39,792
You might be
gay yourself.
232
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:43,529
So I want you to know that
there's nothing you could
ever do or say or be
233
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,631
That would make us
not love you.
234
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:48,367
"Roseanne, Roseanne,
my name is Dan.
235
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:51,203
I really want
to be your man.
236
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:54,173
Please say yes
or i'll be a mess.
237
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,376
Leave your answer
in my 'dess.'"
238
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:04,016
Are you listening?
Becky?
239
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,352
Darlene, you got
to read what mom
wrote here.
240
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:09,655
- it's really
incredible.
- wow.
241
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,924
Hey, where's dad?
242
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,626
- dad, I couldn't find it.
- whoa, d.J.!
243
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,729
Slow down!
Running is very
dangerous!
244
00:13:16,730 --> 00:13:18,897
Now you get back out there
and you walk in here!
245
00:13:18,898 --> 00:13:21,367
Go go go
go go go!
246
00:13:27,741 --> 00:13:30,342
- baby's footprint. Done.
- I think that's everything.
247
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,411
Our horrible fraud
is complete.
248
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,413
Cool, thanks, David.
249
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,415
D.J., good news!
We found your book!
250
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,784
It was in this box
the whole time!
How about that?
251
00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:40,919
Oh, great.
Let me see.
252
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:47,059
Hey, look,
it's my first tooth.
253
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:50,796
Ooh, and it's
all sticky!
And minty!
254
00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:52,998
There's a real good
reason for that, Deej.
255
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:56,035
- you see,
that particular tooth--
- is a tic-tac!
256
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:59,672
It is?
Oh, that's right,
it is!
257
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,641
That's right,
that's right!
258
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:06,545
You see, your real tooth--
this is quite a story here--
259
00:14:09,315 --> 00:14:12,251
Oh my god, you've got
your mother's stare.
260
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,788
Okay, Deej.
261
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,958
Look, we made
the whole thing up.
262
00:14:19,959 --> 00:14:22,728
I'm sorry.
We never did keep
a baby book for you.
263
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:27,199
I mean,
you were the third kid.
That happens sometimes.
264
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,967
I'm really really sorry.
265
00:14:28,968 --> 00:14:31,537
But it doesn't mean
we love you any less.
I hope you know that.
266
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:35,274
None of this was
my idea, d.J.
267
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:37,543
Come on, Deej.
I'll make it up
to you.
268
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:41,647
We can do some
father-son things.
You know any?
269
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,949
Why don't you just
finish my book?
270
00:14:43,950 --> 00:14:46,251
Really?
271
00:14:46,252 --> 00:14:50,189
Yeah. Just write
what I was like
when I was two.
272
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,791
Just kind of average.
I mean, uh,
273
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:55,094
Just starting to put
sentences together.
274
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,029
Do better.
275
00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:01,066
"much smarter than
either of his sisters."
276
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,702
All right!
277
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,804
"has x-ray eyes."
278
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:09,775
So i'd better tell you
a little bit about
your grandparents.
279
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:12,478
You know,
my mother's bev.
280
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:14,513
She drives me nuts.
281
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:18,650
I mean the woman wears
a wool cap in the summer,
for god's sake.
282
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:22,388
But she raised me and Jackie
almost totally by herself,
283
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:25,157
And she never told us
that our father
284
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:28,794
Had a girlfriend
for 22 years.
285
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:32,031
So that tells you everything
you need to know
about my father.
286
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:34,833
And your father's father
287
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:38,170
Married my very best friend
Crystal and they have
two kids now.
288
00:15:38,171 --> 00:15:40,572
We don't see 'em that much
anymore 'cause your dad
289
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,208
Just really doesn't get along
with his dad too well.
290
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:45,944
And your dad's mom,
291
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:49,281
Well, let's just say
292
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:53,085
She enjoys a cocktail.
293
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:56,722
Food, now!
294
00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:01,794
Darlene:
all right, let's get
this over with.
295
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:04,463
The pizza place closes at 9:00,
which doesn't give me much time
296
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:07,433
To eat this, puke
and then drive there.
297
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:10,235
- hey, you knock it off.
- yeah, leave Mark alone.
298
00:16:10,236 --> 00:16:12,338
This looks good.
299
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:16,308
Dad, can I go to bed
without supper?
300
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:19,378
- no.
- please? I smoked
a cigarette today.
301
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:24,750
I wish we had a dog.
302
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:27,319
Maybe we did.
303
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,022
All right, that's it.
Dinner's over.
304
00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:31,690
I worked really
hard on this
305
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:34,226
And all you people do is
sit around and make fun of me.
306
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:37,062
Mark, Mark,
bring the plates back.
We're sorry.
307
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:40,532
"sorry" only counts in
horseshoes and hand grenades.
308
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:48,107
You guys are
unbelievable.
309
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,776
Mark really tried
to make a good dinner
for you people,
310
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:52,811
And you just
make fun of him?
311
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:56,682
Well, I guess that's what
passes for "thank you"
in this family.
312
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,721
I feel really bad.
313
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:05,424
Oh, yeah?
Wait 10 minutes.
314
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,897
Oh my god!
315
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,668
- they're eating it.
- really?
316
00:17:15,669 --> 00:17:17,936
Yeah, look
for yourself.
317
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,406
Oh my god,
they are.
318
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,875
Suckers!
319
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,811
Serves 'em right,
ragging on you all day.
320
00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:29,314
What is in
that junk anyway?
321
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:31,784
Lots of stuff,
but I think
it's the jergens
322
00:17:31,785 --> 00:17:34,553
That they're really
responding to.
323
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,488
( groans )
324
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:40,793
You didn't finish that!
Get back here!
325
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,834
Teach you to smoke
a cigarette.
326
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:53,405
If you're going in to eat,
may I suggest a few
of these first?
327
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,474
No, Dan,
alcohol isn't
328
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:58,010
The answer
to everything.
329
00:17:58,011 --> 00:18:01,413
Whoa.
This is about that
whole Fred thing, isn't it?
330
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,749
No. Sit down please.
Dan, it's not about Fred.
331
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,585
It-it's about me...
And Fred.
332
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:10,322
( groans )
oh, my stomach hurts!
I can't get up! What?
333
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:12,224
It's just that...
334
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:15,461
Fred has suddenly
gotten so interesting,
and i've become so boring,
335
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:17,296
And it's not fair,
you know?
336
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:21,400
I want to do stuff too,
but I have to spend all
my time being a mother.
337
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:27,272
- could you give Fred
the baby more hours a week?
- no, I don't want to do that.
338
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:31,010
- cut back on
your hours at work?
- I can't afford to do that.
339
00:18:31,011 --> 00:18:33,379
Well, take the baby
and move in with your mom?
340
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:36,048
Okay, that was
just plain mean.
341
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:39,084
Well, Jackie, I don't know.
I'm out of ideas.
342
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:41,053
You've shot down
all my suggestions.
343
00:18:41,054 --> 00:18:43,022
You've rejected
alcohol out of hand.
344
00:18:43,023 --> 00:18:45,257
Oh, I know.
It's just that
345
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:48,694
I want to do things
like ski and stuff
346
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,030
And I can't
because I have andy.
347
00:18:51,031 --> 00:18:53,866
And then-- I know
it sounds horrible--
348
00:18:53,867 --> 00:18:56,001
But I feel cheated.
349
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,003
And then that makes me
feel all guilty
350
00:18:58,004 --> 00:19:02,007
Because it's not
little andy's fault,
it's nobody's fault.
351
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:04,777
I'm just stuck.
I'm just...
352
00:19:04,778 --> 00:19:07,646
I'm stuck
and i'm alone
353
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,815
And I don't know
what to do.
354
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,518
Roseanne and I are
always here for you.
355
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:16,422
- well, yeah, I know.
- ( andy cries )
356
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:19,124
Oh, relax.
I'll get him.
357
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,060
Ohh.
358
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:29,635
Roseanne:
Dan, get in here. It's your
turn to talk to the kid.
359
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:36,108
It's not always
gonna be like this.
360
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:39,511
- we will be here for you.
- I know, Dan.
361
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:42,281
It's okay, it's okay.
362
00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:44,917
Sweetie, it's all right.
363
00:19:44,918 --> 00:19:49,121
Everything's okay.
No, honey, shh shh.
364
00:19:56,129 --> 00:19:59,565
Okay, i'm gonna give your dad
a turn to talk to you now,
365
00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:02,034
But before I go,
I want to tell you one thing:
366
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:04,570
You know that we had you
late in our lives,
367
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:07,339
But we really
wanted you.
368
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:11,443
And that's basically
because you're our last hope
for a good retirement,
369
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:14,646
Which is totally gonna happen,
because after all these years
370
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:17,483
I finally figured out how
to raise a kid that'll
grow up to be
371
00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:19,885
Incredibly successful.
And that is
372
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,988
Every time you turn around,
you tell them
373
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:25,424
How wonderful they are
374
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:28,060
And how beautiful
they are
375
00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:32,464
And how priceless they are
and how much they are loved.
376
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,400
And you are.
377
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:45,477
Hi, i'm d.J.,
your older brother.
378
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,646
By the time you see this,
i'll have a mustache,
379
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:50,582
'cause I just
sent away for it.
380
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:54,053
This is your cousin andy,
and he's gonna show you
381
00:20:54,054 --> 00:20:56,188
How smart he is.
382
00:20:56,189 --> 00:20:58,590
Honey? Honey.
Honey!
383
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:01,427
Where's mommy's nose?
384
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:04,730
Where's mommy's
nose, huh?
385
00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:07,032
He's usually
really good at this.
386
00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:09,868
Honey honey,
where's mommy's nose?
387
00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:13,205
( chuckles )
388
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:16,842
Hey, sis.
389
00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:19,044
Okay, mom and dad
don't know we found this,
390
00:21:19,045 --> 00:21:22,514
So this is
just between us,
all right?
391
00:21:22,515 --> 00:21:24,616
"dear Dan,
392
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:27,486
We're getting
married tomorrow.
393
00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:30,556
As cool as it is
that you're going
to be my husband,
394
00:21:30,557 --> 00:21:34,827
It's even cooler
that you're gonna be
the father of my children,
395
00:21:34,828 --> 00:21:39,031
'cause I really want our
family to be different from
the families we grew up in.
396
00:21:39,032 --> 00:21:42,568
Our kids are gonna get
a better shot than that.
397
00:21:42,569 --> 00:21:45,504
We're gonna make sure
they know that they're
worth something,
398
00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:48,007
And that no matter
what they do,
399
00:21:48,008 --> 00:21:50,009
No matter how mad
they make us
400
00:21:50,010 --> 00:21:52,378
Or how bad
they screw up,
401
00:21:52,379 --> 00:21:55,614
They can always
come home."
402
00:21:55,615 --> 00:21:57,983
Pretty nice letter, huh?
403
00:21:57,984 --> 00:22:00,285
Still, watch your back.
404
00:22:02,922 --> 00:22:05,190
No, come on.
You can find it.
405
00:22:05,191 --> 00:22:07,659
He's so close.
406
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:09,661
Honey honey honey...
407
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:11,830
( sniffing )
408
00:22:11,831 --> 00:22:15,334
Hi, it's me, your dad.
409
00:22:15,335 --> 00:22:17,703
I went out and got this
baby book for you today.
410
00:22:17,704 --> 00:22:20,673
I'm gonna fill it all out
for you, stay on top of it.
411
00:22:20,674 --> 00:22:24,810
I already put your
sonogram picture in there.
412
00:22:24,811 --> 00:22:26,979
That's you.
413
00:22:26,980 --> 00:22:28,981
You look real pretty.
414
00:22:28,982 --> 00:22:31,417
You got your mother's
eye sockets.
415
00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:36,221
Can't wait to meet you.
416
00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:41,093
Roseanne:
your grandmother really really
wanted to be on this tape,
417
00:22:41,094 --> 00:22:43,128
So go ahead, mom.
418
00:22:43,129 --> 00:22:45,564
Thank you, Roseanne.
419
00:22:45,565 --> 00:22:49,168
Hello!
Hello, little grand--
420
00:22:49,169 --> 00:22:52,004
Trust me.
That was enough.
421
00:22:52,005 --> 00:22:54,707
So i'll see you
in a few weeks.
422
00:22:54,708 --> 00:22:57,710
Can't wait.
423
00:22:57,711 --> 00:23:01,113
What do you got to do
to get some dinner
around here?